Friday, October 06, 2006

Perseveration

Ever get to a place where you just can't stop thinking about something? That is happening to me right now. I was expecting to hear some news today, which never came. It is something that has been lingering on my mind all day and all night. It's bothering me so much, I cannot sleep.

Anytime you apply for something, you put yourself out there - out there to be judged - out there to be accepted or rejected by someone else. I tell people all the time that trying to seek approval from others is probably not the best idea. As I put the mirror up to my face, I see the hippocrite staring at me. Self acceptance and self confidence go so much further than seeking approval from others, right? At least that's what I tell people.

I have worked hard to get where I am at right now in my career. I have worked hard during the application process. Now, I don't want to sound like I have sense of entitlement - because I hate that. Just because you work at a job for a certain number of years, or just because you worked hard during the process - this doesn't entitle you to be selected. Sure, there are selection criteria, but in the back of your mind, I ask myself, "What are the other criteria that I don't know about?"

Did the selection committee judge by merit, or was there some other factor in play? People always say, "It's not what you know, it's who you know." I never really believed that, that is, until today. Of course, the first reaction is to blame the process. Yeah, that's right. The judges were out to get me. I never really had a chance in the first place. Why did I put myself in a situation where I could be rejected?

Am I a sore loser? Maybe. Is this sour grapes? Maybe. Am I whining? Absolutely. But, it's my blog, right? I just had to blog about this emotion that I'm feeling. Yes, it's irrational. Yes, it's illogical. But, that's the core of emotion. And, that's where I'm at right now. Whew! I feel a little better blogging about it.

I think I just need to try to get some rest and move forward from this small bump in the road. Then, I can let this go. Tomorrow is a new day - a new day with new opportunities.

As I drift off to sleep, as all the consipracy theories are flying through my head, I cannot help but wonder if I am an innocent victim of a lie told in silence....


Thanks Cathy, for the opportunity to share my story.
Here are the other authors:

Mary Anne from "Life in Qualicum Beach"
Dr. Jordan from In My Humble Opinion
Wolfbaby from "Dreaming and Believing"
Moof from "A Moof's Tale"
Kim from "Emergiblog"
KT from "Kt Living"
Difficult Patient from "Ripple of Hope "
Jasmin from Shadow Writer
Empress Bee (Of the High sea)
PK from Pearls and Dreams
The Laundress from Dirty Laundry
The Wandering Author of The Unending Journey Of The Wandering Author
Amin from Write-Now
Who Wouda Thunk It From Another Day In Paradise
Brian from Truth is Freedon
At Your Cervix (R.N.) from At Your Cervix
Ipanema from Irish Cornwall
May From About A Nurse

25 comments:

ClinkShrink said...

Yeah, and that's exactly why I was passed over (again!) for a Nobel prize. Maybe next year...

ladybug said...

awesome writing, doc!!!

cathy said...

That's a great story Dr. A...I'm happy you used this story as part of "our" project.

You can never stop reaching for the stars. It makes no difference if you land in the clouds now and then, you will just try once more.

Ever hear this: "Only those who risk going to far will ever know how far to go"...:)

kt said...

this was great. i love the illogical, irrational emotions..that is all mine seem to be to me.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

funny thing doc...i started reading and KNOWING about the story today of course, then i got involved in the blog and FORGOT it was a story until i got to the end! great job! bee

Susan Miller said...

Ouch. Sometimes just applying the bandage to the wound is done at least partly through the writing, and I'm glad you were able to find that. Go ahead and hurt because I most assuredly know that one day you'll look back on this moment and say, "I'm glad that happened then because look at where I am now!" Thank you for sharing.

ipanema said...

There are reasons why some things we want in our lives could never be ours. Perhaps, there's something better destined for you. Pray so.

Hope for the best. Easier said than done, right? And this is your blog, right? So I better go now. :)

Everything will be alright Dr. A!

The Curmudgeon said...

Very good, Doc. And the range of feelings is very true.

oncRN said...

'Ever get to a place where you just can't stop thinking about something?'

more often than i care to admit. i'm a big fan of thinking/talking/blogging your way to the other side of it.
nice to know others do it too.

wolfbaby said...

I love how you tied that into real life... I love how you acknowledge that irrational feelings are ok sometimes... take care!!

INAMINI said...

Every emotion you described is familiar. It can be difficult to be judged, because even if it isabout the work you do, it can be taken very personally. Thank yo for sharing.
Tomorrow!

Moof said...

It's hard to move on and plan for tomorrow when you can't stop thinking about what happened/didn't happen today.

Also - trying to advance is not always the same as seeking approval ...

Remember that it's always worth continuing to try ... you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you ... so don't give up!

Hard work will eventually pay off ... as the result filters around to those who know how to recognize it.

Well written, Dr. Anon!

Kim said...

Well, Doctor A, that is what you get for auditioning for "American Idol".

Did you expect a hug from Simon or something?

: D

Great use of the challenge!

Dr. A said...

Thanks everybody for your kind words. I wrote this last week, but held it for Cathy until today. Sometimes it's good to change up the writing style every once in a while. If you liked this type of "raw" writing, I have a few other examples here, here, and here for you to check out. Thanks again!

Fat Doctor said...

OK, so you're NOT mired in depression? It was just a work of fiction? I was all ready to tell you to get over it, we all get rejected all the time, but then I realized maybe you've NOT been rejected, maybe you're just playing with my mind...I'm so confused.

Dr. A said...

This was autobiographical. I was in this bad place last week - got over it - and got on with my life. I'm not usually into the self-pity thing, but I was when I originally wrote this. Better now :)

healthpsych said...

Rumination doesn't necessarily need to be a bad thing if it results in action forward. However, often it can impair problem-solving and lead to a greater sense of hopelessness (ah, Dr. A. you had to touch on my thesis subject - rumination and depression/anxiety....)

Rejection can be hard but it's also a normal part of life. Of course, knowing that doesn't make it any easier. But you know that old saying..."as one door closes, another opens.." A bit Pollyanna-ish of me maybe, but truly I would have missed out on some of the best experiences of my life, if things had gone according to my original plan.

Love your writing!

Anonymous said...

I can empathize with you on the judging thing, although my recent experience with that was a bit different. I recently entered a school race for a very presitigious position as a club vice-president. I worked my butt off all week getting my speech together and practicing it in front of the mirror for today's presentation. And what do they tell me? "Just give a few sentences and sit down. We don't have time for a speech."

So I do my bit. And I take my seat. And I leave it up to fate.

If I win, great. If I don't, oh well. Rejection sucks but as you said, "tomorrow is a new day".

AtYourCervix said...

Glad to hear you're feeling better now Dr A. I agree, rejection sucks.

But know that we all love you :-)

Dr. A said...

Gee, thanks *blushing*

The Wandering Author said...

Ah, a new twist. I came to your blog, saw the post, started reading it, and thought "he forgot the story". Caught me! When I got to the last line...

Smalltown RN said...

When I first started reading I too thought you opted not to participate. Then I got so engorssed in your story I forgot, until the end "gottcha"

Well written, and yes I am pretty sure most of us have been emotionally where you talked about.

Thank you for sharing.

JR's Thumbprints said...

There are no guarantees in life, and life's not fair. But try to enjoy the process, and one day you'll get what you deserve!

Shadowrite said...

I think you've touched a part of us almost everyone has experienced. I like the paragraph about tomorrow being a new day. Persevere.

Mimi Lenox said...

I definitely need to visit this blog more often. I'm been so caught up in the comments about the story that I can't wait to read the story. Will be back for sure. Thanks, Dr. A.